Figuring Out Whether Your Anger Is Toxic

I coined the term toxic anger to convey the fact that certain subtypes of anger can be poisonous, even lethal. Other forms of anger are benign (nontoxic) and really cannot hurt you in any appreciable way. The trick is to know which is which.

Annoyances count

In one study where 50 college students were asked to keep a weekly diary of how often they got annoyed or angry, they recorded 1,536 instances of emotion. The average student reported getting angry seven times a week, roughly once a day. However, the average student also reported feeling annoyed 24 times a week or approximately 3 times a day. In other words, their report of anger was four times greater when they included milder forms of emotions like annoyance.

Anger is just a word — a fairly meaningless concept — until you break it down into something that can be quantified.

At least once a day Chronic irritation Chronic anger Chronic rage. Which category did you fall into? Does it make the problem more real when you put these types of labels on it? I find that most people are comfortable with terms like irritated and angry, but they don’t like the label rage at all.

Episodic anger

Slightly more than a third (36 percent) of those sampled acknowledged the fact that they got angry a couple of times a week.  This is our first glimpse at what I call toxic anger. Approximately 15 percent of the sample readily admitted to getting this angry on occasion, although not daily. I like to refer to these individuals as sleeping lions or occasional hotheads — they’re fine until they get aroused, and then watch out!

Chronic irritation

You may think that chronic irritation is a problem, but it’s really not all that toxic. People may see you as moody or bitchy, but they still tolerate you most of the time. Interestingly, only about 2 percent of people fall in this category — thank goodness.

Chronic anger

This is the second category of toxic anger. It included 11 percent of those surveyed, people like Nathan, a retired salesman who finds himself getting angry repeatedly every day about one thing or another. “I get mad when my wife takes too long shopping, when things break around the house, when gas prices go up — just about anything that doesn't suit me,” he says. “But don’t get me wrong — I don’t go off the deep end and rant and rave.” Like many people, he thinks he doesn't have a problem with anger because it never rises to the level of uncontrollable rage — but he’s wrong. It’s just not healthy to be angry as frequently as he is.

Chronic rage

This is our worst-case example of toxic anger. I’m sorry to say that 12 percent of those responding fell into this subgroup. If you find yourself in this group, your anger is volatile (as in volcano!) and there’s absolutely no question that anger is poisoning just about every aspect of your life. This type of anger is dangerous and serves no useful purpose.

Anger Management Support

Here’s how you can garner all the support you need in order to succeed at anger management:

·         Keep in mind that most people want to be supportive — they’re just waiting on you to give them an opportunity. Take the initiative and ask your closest friends and family members for their support. Support that goes unrecognized or unused does you no good. Most people have far more support than they take advantage of. This is no time to think, “I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.” Believe me, you’re more of a burden when you’re angry than when you’re not!

·         Be willing to give support to your friends and family in turn. Support must be reciprocal. In order to receive it, you must give it.

·         Keep in mind that no one person can satisfy all your support needs. One person may be able to offer emotional support, while another may help out in a more tangible way. Don’t be too surprised if, at first, you have trouble getting support for your efforts at anger management. Remember: You've probably hurt a lot of people with your anger over the years — and they may have some lingering resentment, fear, and uncertainty. That’s natural. But if you’re truly committed to managing your anger, chances are they’ll eventually rally to your cause.

Angry?

Angry? Follow these steps....

Step 1: Maintain a “Hostility Log”

Make a ‘’Hostility Log’’ and use it to monitor what triggers your anger and the frequency of your anger responses. When you know what makes you angry, you will be in a much better position to develop strategies to contain it or channel it effectively.

Step 2: If you do, acknowledge that you have a problem managing anger

It is an observed truth that you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. So it is important to identify and accept that anger is a roadblock to your success.

Step 3: Use your support network

If anger is a problem, let the important people in your life know about the changes you are trying to make. They can be a source of motivation and their support will help you when you lapse into old behavior patterns.

Step 4: Use Anger Management techniques to interrupt the anger cycle.

Pause. Take deep breaths. Tell yourself you can handle the situation. Stop the negative thoughts.

Step 5: Use empathy

If another person is the source of your anger, try to see the situation from his or her perspective. Remind yourself to be objective and realize that everyone makes mistakes and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.

Step 6: Laugh at yourself

Humor is often the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously. The next time you feel tempted to kick the photocopier, think about how silly you would look and see the humor in your inappropriate expressions of anger.

Step 7: Relax

Angry people are often the ones who let the little things bother them. If you learn to calm down you will realize that there is no need to get uptight and you will have fewer angry episodes.

Step 8: Build Trust

Angry people can be cynical people. They believe that others are going to do something on purpose to annoy or frustrate them even before it happens. If you can build trust in people you will be less likely to become angry with them when something does go wrong and more likely to attribute the problem to something other than a malicious intent.

Step 9: Listen

Miscommunication contributes to frustrating and mistrusting situations. The better you listen to what a person is saying, the better able you will be to find a resolution that does not involve an anger response.

Step 10: Be Assertive

Remember, the word is assertive NOT aggressive. When you are angry it is often difficult to express yourself properly. You are too caught up in the negative emotion and your physiological symptoms (beating heart, red face) to put together solid arguments or appropriate responses. If you learn to assert yourself and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, issues, and so on, you will have much more interpersonal success.

Step 11: Live each day as if it is your last

This saying may be overused, but it holds a fundamental truth. Life is short and it is much better spent positively than negatively. Realize that if you spend all your time getting angry, you will miss out on the many joys and surprises that life has to offer.

Step 12: Forgive

To ensure that the changes you are making go much deeper than the surface, you need to forgive the people in your life that have angered you. It is not easy letting go of past hurts and resentments but the only way to move past your anger is to let go of these feelings and start fresh. (Depending on what, or who, is at the root of your anger, you may have to solicit the help of a professional to achieve this fully.)

These 12 steps form a comprehensive plan to get control of inappropriate and unproductive anger. And the quicker you begin the better. Anger and stress are highly correlated and the effects of stress on the body are well documented.

Even if you are not at the point where you feel your anger is a problem, it is a wise idea to familiarize yourself with the process described above. If you do not have the tools to deal with anger correctly, it has a way of building-up over time. Before you know it, you can be in a position where anger is controlling you and becoming a negative influence in your life. Being proactive with anger management will help to ensure it remains a healthy emotion that protects you from unnecessary hurt or threat.