Caring

My stroked mind is brought to attention on asking why are there some people who pretend they care but in reality they don’t. Once stripped of the earthly drappings, true colors will come.

It has always been that way, the way I see it. The real soul intent of an individual emerges in uncompromising situations. There are times that they are obvious and at times not. The best way for us to be ready for it is that we shouldn’t expect too much. Expecting too much somehow lowers our self-dependency.

Another way to ready ourselves is the other way around. Expect the worst. It may sound funny but preparedness to a person’s motive or agenda is best done in this way. Expecting per se is lessened for what is readied upon is the worst.

More saddening is the people close to you are the ones responsible for this kind of unwanted attitude. All my stroked being could do to those I mentioned is pray.

Fear

Brain faculties acting in such an erratic way giving me fear. Fear thus makes me thought of having accepting the reality that almost every one close to my heart have left me. The bitter truth slowly sank through my being. Is it going to be like this each time?

Accepting is the hardest part of it. You consciously know this possibility, but why does it have to be so soon? Why are there circumstances that binds you and holds you together, then, in a blink of an eye, you find yourself all alone. The memories are all that is left hanging in your thoughts.

Again, for me, this halt made me respond to the call to enjoy and cherish the people who are still around me. We won’t last long just like the others so might as well treasure every passing moment of it. Don’t let time hinder you from loving a little bit more. It lessens the fear.

Loss...

by AVB

I’m once again being raped and molested by unfortunate events. At times that I crave for abundant ideas, it is there that nothingness came. It mauled my shanty piece of mind and tried to ruin my hopes of being somebody.

Even my stroked being wasn’t spared. It manipulated my body by inviting it to be still and do nothing in spite numerous calls from my telling it to move a limb. I must admit that adhering to these made me thought of the future. I may not be as I am right now for fear of losing everything.

I instantly grab, tied and threw out those random thoughts and decided not to go with ideas of those kind. Tests come really unto you when you least expect it. It attacks more on your weaknesses. So it’s best to be always equipped with strong will and perseverance. Having a clear frame of mind would be well welcomed. 

Nowhere

I’m currently running out of ideas and sense of consciousness. Thoughts seem to be running back and forth my brain but my stroked being can’t seem to grasp and fortify the same. Being too long under the weather has really taken its toll.

It has furthered me to give up and surrender. It teases me with reality. Truth suggests me to stop my abstract hallucination of life. It is halting my phase because of my condition. Be dead or die. I should stop.

But this rage inside me unknowingly holds me back to further go on. This voice asks me to strive, work and aspire more despite my complicated condition. It taught me to draw my strength through my work and the people I somehow affect.

I know and fully aware of my flaws and literary inadequacies but those won’t stop my freedom of self-expression as well as my humble and ‘stroked’ line of thinking.

Slumber

As a result of this bed-inviting weather condition wherein heavy clouds installs cold breeze and quick gushes of heavy rain, everything halted back. I was forced again to ponder on the meaning of my life. Examining it is not easy. Accepting what was left is somewhat unimaginable. Reality is right directly on my face so there’s nothing left for me to do but to let it envelope me.

Having to swallow the bitter truth crumbles my soul which is the source of my strength and hope, brought me down. It left me good as dead. I feel nothing. Emotions suddenly felt numb. Stroke’s psyche started its wrath.

Something in my stressful slumber whispered at me telling me to fight. It urged me to stand up amidst all these hardships I’m into. It became an everyday reminder; an utter turned into a scream, each time I wake up. In the end, I realized that no one left to but me and me alone.

Another burst

Last night while contemplating, consideration on the recent events that happened and what had transpired during the day, still dumbfounded, I was able to burst, through my ‘stroked’ mind, a short poem for my dear friend.

CGE, SABI MO E....GOW

Guess I woke up at the wrong side of the bed

Fate might accidentally pushed me instead

Though I am calm, a little confused

Bit concerned, then again, amused

This must now I’ll truly confess

Be it to thou that it won’t be a guess

From the very beginning

An aura I commend that’s truly amazing

So I’m finding it hard at least for the moment

Procure ideas as they happen

Shred of loss of thou art presence

Me resulting to pure nonsense

Guess it’s time and hope it’s not

A virtual distant mate and true friend a lot

Just remember this, I hope you do

There’s no more T3 for me other than you

But

Manifestation in entirety it lacks.... Expressions are of a necessity... Passion and wanting are nowhere to be found... Jailed as an idea... Remained an inspiration... Conversation, a wild imagination... Reality held to just a dream...Aloof... Left strange... Thoughts meddling... Left alone... I’d be a fool to ignore it... Awe, did I? ... Spur it? Definitely not a valid answer. Unrequited? ... Unknown...

These are some of the thoughts inside the mind of an unexplained, unexpressed and incomplete affection towards another. Some stay numb and just let it be. Nothing it remains to some but their acts screams out.

Bothering... Fear of rejection... Take a chance... Perhaps... Gamble?... Will hiding be good? ... As futile it may seem... Concoction maybe... Your contentment in heart and mind... Finally, at last...But...

Adherence

Accepting the reality was objectionable on my part. Being able to succumb to the instances, swallowing the pride and appreciating what was left parted at me unguardedly. It was a big deal for me not being able to do what I used to. My movements were limited as they are bothered by muscle spasticity.  Numbness coupled with pain is what’s best to describe it. Lifting and stretching a leg felt like lifting a heavy boulder. I am now married to my wheelchair and my canes. What I am right now is also caused by the motivation and care of people who pushed me harder and helped me realize that there is hope. All I have to do is formulate a frame of mind that this stroke is just a wake-up call in my current wrongdoings in life.  I gradually learned to accept and appreciate the minute things in life. Looking for my purpose is the next thing, but I know it will come eventually.     

blabbers...

As the raging storm hounds all over, I am bounded to simply content myself to play on the reality of life, its struggles, triumphs, makes or breaks and the inevitable highs and lows of it.

It is then that I realized, although earlier leaned, that we human beings must be thankful for it. Whatever comes, should we consider it a blessing or not, must be acknowledged with a full heart. The grief, the pain and sufferings must be treated as inspirations for us to continue this blessed journey of ours.

I had my fair share of “downs” in life. At first, I was hesitant and tried to ignore that it was all because of my selfishness and self-centeredness but it abruptly sank in. It all took a matter of minutes. There was no turning back. At a glance, there I was, helpless as I could have been, ravaged with an illness called ‘’stroke’’.

I can hardly move my body. I couldn’t walk, eat or even speak. I felt like a candle slowly melting. All my dreams and plans were crushed. And there was I, alone...

Everything and everyone was gone. I was left all by myself...