Thanks

Despite my lack of the required medals and distinctions of a writer, all I offer is my humble, sometimes mediocre state of mind. The events in my life will serve as my laurels and my psycho-philosophical mind hopes to drape me with sanity needed. I rely on faith to keep myself grounded as well as reminder of my being human always.

As all of us do, we want to make a difference, one way or the other. We have various levels of needs in life. Am just hoping that those aims could somehow affect others. Getting and savouring a goal of ours is a great prize when proper acknowledgement is made.

In my case, I would like to thank everyone who takes their time to read this blog of mine. Taking notice of something in a different perspective is an effort considered. Being moved, one way or another is an effort much higher. I really appreciate the same. I just wish that I could do more.

Nowhere

I’m currently running out of ideas and sense of consciousness. Thoughts seem to be running back and forth my brain but my stroked being can’t seem to grasp and fortify the same. Being too long under the weather has really taken its toll.

It has furthered me to give up and surrender. It teases me with reality. Truth suggests me to stop my abstract hallucination of life. It is halting my phase because of my condition. Be dead or die. I should stop.

But this rage inside me unknowingly holds me back to further go on. This voice asks me to strive, work and aspire more despite my complicated condition. It taught me to draw my strength through my work and the people I somehow affect.

I know and fully aware of my flaws and literary inadequacies but those won’t stop my freedom of self-expression as well as my humble and ‘stroked’ line of thinking.

Dilemma II - ''First time''

This is quite an unusual task for me of ever having to describe myself to someone or to a group of people in writing, such task which I have done on most of my first days in school way back then (although some of it were recited to my new teacher and classmates).  To me, it is my first time of my first time, and during my first time…

Before I get to quantify and lay to you how I was able to come up with these “first times” of mine, I will first introduce myself in a simple and comprehensive manner I know, that is the friendly and pleasant way.

I am a graduate of Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy and Letters at one of the colleges around university belt in the Philippines.  Sad to say, and now I came to realize that I took the wrong course because all it gave me were thick volumes of books with no illustration on its pages, endless debates over something that can be settled through simple “paper, scissors and stones”, and the art of having to argue by maneuvering and finding my way out through the loopholes and weaknesses which my proponent possesses.  So deeply engrossed with the skill, I took it in defending myself amongst the older members of my family.  It was always my parents who became my “practice dummies” since they were the one who were always at “the other side”.  I was later more engrossed with my skill that I took it and converted the same into actions.  Considering my young age, it somewhat made me more aggressive and more selfish.  And these actuations had landed me on the forefront of the most precious, extravagant and unimaginable job a young and idealistic youth should ever have:  being a father.  My mom always told me to always be optimistic on everything so I can safely say, without disrespecting her that, I got married and had my child as early as less than a year after I graduated from college.

I had always longed for a challenging life.  That life which battles my instinct and my ego so I guess God was all ears on me when I wished that thing and He was too generous that time that He gave me one, which I consider to be one of my “first times”.

the 'wheelchaired man'

Having a family at an early age was definitely an odd event in my life, though the same taught me well to be responsible, more caring and more understanding.  And while most of what I’ve learned is already been innate, I still craved to the beauty and temptations of the “dark side”.  Because of my early exposure to “life”, I saw the offerings and the benefits I could gain.  I was eager to undergo all the “first times” in my life.  From socializing and interacting to almost all kinds of people, I learned how talk effectively with them, I gained their ways and absorbed almost everything that this world had to offer.  In short, I became a selfish monster who knew nothing else greater than me.  Few years had passed since I went into the “dark side” and have learned to embrace it without having to forget my morals and spirit of goodness; that the “switch” I did finally took its toll on my selfish soul.  

At exactly six o’ clock in the evening last June 6, 2008, I experienced another “first time”.  I suffered a hemorrhagic stroke. Test results said that some of the arteries in my brain got busted up brought about by an 8cc blood clot on one of my brain arteries.  I was, and, is currently, paralyzed.  The left part of my body – arms and legs cannot feel a thing.  After a week, my “first times” in life all happened.  I painstakingly underwent Physical Therapy every other day, and have been doing the same exercises that I learned since the “stroke” stroke.  Now, every single day in my life is more of a struggle than a challenge, that which I dreamt of having. Every “first time” is a true victory for me, and that includes my own personal victory of having to do and learn almost all the skills of a normal person.  From my first move in transferring myself from my bed to my wheelchair, my first time to stand without any assistance, my first step, my first trip to the bathroom, etc.  I once again enjoyed and savored every victory and milestone that I made while recovering from this fatal illness.

I am now submitting myself to the test.  This is the test which every man must face in the course of their lives.  It is the test when you face yourself and there is no one that can help you nor conquer your fears and admonitions of failure but yourself.  And I know that facing these challenges and struggles with a heart will make me a triumphant “first timer” in the end. 

 

ONE DAY

ONE DAY

Am not good at these

Neither an authority

So feel free to say whatever you please

Argue things that I talk about

Endless, careless

I scream out loud

Won’t dare be silent

And shut the hell up

Just don’t need to be violent

Situation I’m now suppressed

Barred from the freedom

To openly express

Is it wrong my dear?

My current stand

And other things I fear

Do whatever you can

Just ignore me

And the foolishness of a man

Indeed falling is not easy

To as spirited as you

By somebody as me

You make sense

To my whole being

Innovation you immense

But I’ll just keep it in

Inside my heart

Feelings I’ll be keen

Those things would be better

Hoping in my distant dreams

Maybe we’ll be together

Rain

The continuing rain haunts ourselves once again. The idea of flood keeps our hearts beating faster. As a wet day unfolds, I’m helplessly reminded of those unsheltered, unfed and unfortunate individuals all left in the rain. Rains may have brought them sickness, confusion and hidden tears.

 Then I gazed at my present predicament. These people and I face almost the same current dilemma in life. At a time I was glad to be fortunate enough not to go through their misery right now. I may have severely suffered from stroke and its consequences but it’s nothing compared to those who are suffering because of the rain right now. I’m much luckier in a way.

There is one wish that we both share the same with. Deep inside I know that it will emerge. That the rain will soon stop and give way to sunshine. Let’s all pray for that to happen in His time. 

Stroked reality

Dwelling to the reality is almost unacceptable. Salvaging what was left is just mocking yourself. Stroke is an unwanted event in my life. Because of my previous unconstraint lifestyle, I lured an undesirable health concern. It almost ravaged my life. I dwindled to oblivion.

But stroke did not and would not let it stop me. I saw stroke as a blessing and an eye opener for me. A reality that I was forced to swallow and enjoy at the same time. At first, it was not painful. It was hell. Gradual and dilatory embracing of reality was an endeavour. It further reminded me of others who was at the same situation as mine. Doable, but it’s a long hard boulevard to recovery.

Thorough determination and support from everyone is what every stroke patient needs. Reality is what it is.

Yesu

I’ve been to quite a few battles in life. I couldn’t say that most of them are triumphant. Where in the world I gain such arrogance to shout out loud that I won it all considering my present state? I’m likened to a child who lost his candy. I lost almost everything. At this age, I lost my father, my wife, my children, my health, my job, my hopes and dreams. It also came to a point where I also nearly lost my sanity. How I wish never to open my eyes again as I sleep at night. My pillow, blanket and the anguish are my only comrades each time I feel like crying.

It was through this obnoxious event that I suddenly noticed the Chinese characters tattooed in my left arm that means ‘’Jesus’’. I then realized that I need not be afraid though everything was lost. I've got Jesus beside me, looking over my shoulder. I still got Jesus.

Yesu

Dreams...

As the chain of compacted rain falls outside my lone and creepy room, the noise it created allowed my mind to wander momentarily. I first checked that I’m not hallucinating or experiencing another seizure. It was more of a dream. I had those when I was medically sedated. Dreams and flashes of reality, of death, of going far away and those aren’t real and considered vaunts of delusion. I interpreted dreams with impossibility for that is the only helpless thing I know. Unknowingly, sanity nearly left me. Paranoia sat beside my bed trying to snatch a piece of my sane consciousness. But my mind strictly focused on my dream of getting back to where I was before. It still remains. I wish I could interpret my own dreams and instantly turn it to reality. For now, the wheelchair is my pal and you are the only witnesses on how willed, zealous and determined I am to fight for my dream.

Adherence

Accepting the reality was objectionable on my part. Being able to succumb to the instances, swallowing the pride and appreciating what was left parted at me unguardedly. It was a big deal for me not being able to do what I used to. My movements were limited as they are bothered by muscle spasticity.  Numbness coupled with pain is what’s best to describe it. Lifting and stretching a leg felt like lifting a heavy boulder. I am now married to my wheelchair and my canes. What I am right now is also caused by the motivation and care of people who pushed me harder and helped me realize that there is hope. All I have to do is formulate a frame of mind that this stroke is just a wake-up call in my current wrongdoings in life.  I gradually learned to accept and appreciate the minute things in life. Looking for my purpose is the next thing, but I know it will come eventually.     

Depression

I’ve seen it, read about it and felt it. I would say that it is the aftermath or the aftershock of stroke. As a stroke survivor, the manner of how to go dealing with it largely foreshadow your future as someone whose willingness and strong drive emancipates. But for those slaved by it, it cries the needed support and guidance from family and friends. Depression it is.

Depression

It is described as ‘’a mental condition in which people feel extremely sad and lose interest in life.’’ People with depression may also have sleep problems and loss of appetite, and may have trouble concentrating and carrying out everyday activities. This type of human behaviour is commonly felt by those who suffered stroke. It affects and even tries to dominate one’s life. Depression per se and symptoms of depression, I guess.

It dawned on me making me think that I’m hopeless. That everything I had is gone – career, friends, plans in life and everything tangible in my memory. My physical attributes, my self-esteem and my faith were endangered by depression. As a stroke patient, sometimes I wish I was dead so I won’t prolong this misery of mine. Winning over it is very hard. You have to accept and swallow everything. Like ending and coping up in a relationship, you need to move on. Miserable it may seem, but you have to build a new and optimistic view in life relative to your present condition.